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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

HOW TO GET AN AGENT IN 14 EASY STEPS




1)   Get a degree in theater. (It doesn’t have to be theater. Just whatever artistic discipline you choose. Also, it doesn’t have to be a degree. You can probably substitute that for a lot of experience actually practicing said art. Though don’t tell that to my father, who paid for my very expensive degree.)

2)   Spend fifteen years writing plays. And okay—it doesn’t have to be plays. It doesn’t even have to be artistic. It could be sports. It could be medicine. Something that requires you to learn discipline, and how to put yourself out there, and receive feedback, and try again, and get knocked down, but you get up again, and my apologies if you’re now humming that Chumba Wumba song. It also probably doesn’t have to be fifteen years, because maybe you’re a quicker study than I am. (Here’s hoping.)

3)   Have a baby. All right, you can skip this one unless you have several other decent reasons to have a baby. They definitely cut into your writing time. Alternately, read picture books, then chapter books, then middle grade books aloud for many hours a day. By doing so, you will start to think in middle grade fiction.

4)   Write your first manuscript. It won’t get you an agent. (Or it might, but in that case, I do not like you very much. Also, you don’t need this list.)

5)   Master the art of the query letter. Avail yourself of the various online resources for query critique. Build thick skin. Eat chocolate. Learn to discern the helpful feedback from the…less helpful. Research agents. FOLLOW THEIR GUIDELINES.

6)   Write your second manuscript. By this point, you should also have found several particularly excellent critique partners.

7)   Write your third and fourth manuscripts. Congratulate your excellent critique partners when they land amazing agents and deals with major publishers. BE GENUINE. Their success does not diminish your chances. (If anything, it increases them, because wisdom and experience.)

8)   Eat a lot of chocolate.

9)   Be jealous. That’s okay.

10)  Have a phone call with a top-selling agent who tells you you’re a wonderful fit with the agency and she loves two of your manuscripts and just wants some revisions she’s completely sure you can pull off. Complete those revisions and wait nine months for her to read them and ultimately reject you. (This step is completely optional. There are things to be learned in this step about grit, and grace, and perseverance, but on balance, you’d probably prefer to remain a less evolved person than go through this one.)

11)Eat your weight in chocolate. Desperate sobbing is also advised.

12)  Write your fifth manuscript. By this point, it’s best if you don’t care anymore. Bonus points if you really don’t care, rather than saying you don’t care, but still feeling stabbed in the eyeballs every time an agent tells you they love it but can’t sell it, or love it but it’s too close to a client’s work, or love it but WHATEVER.

13) Start your sixth manuscript. And I didn’t mention this on points 6, 7, or 12, but each time you start querying one manuscript, you should have begun writing your next one. This point is non-negotiable. I’m not the quickest study (CLEARLY) but I learned this as a playwright and it is seriously the only thing that has gotten me through around 700 rejections, between books and plays.

14) Finish your sixth manuscript, complete with query letter ready to go. Be in the middle of a final polishing pass when you get an email from an agent who’s had Manuscript #5 for five months, saying she loved it and couldn’t put it down and could you talk on the phone? Bonus points if she’s an agent with absolutely amazing sales, clients you adore, and complete confidence in your work and a plan for how to sell it.

Anyway, that’s how it worked for me. And okay, maybe those steps aren’t all that easy. Except the chocolate-eating. And maybe you don’t have to write six manuscripts to get there. Maybe you write one, or three, or fourteen.

When it comes down to it, it can mostly be summed up in one easy step: Keep writing.

How much chocolate have you consumed on your journey toward getting an agent?

31 comments:

  1. This was actually pretty funny. As if there was anything easy about getting an agent. LOL.

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  2. this was hilarious and awesome

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    1. Thanks so much, Sarah! I know you've been there too!!

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    1. Thanks for being an early sounding board, Michael!

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  4. Painfully true and yet very hopeful. I've always said writers need "maniacal optimism" in this phase of things. Heck, in all phases of all things.

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    1. Oh, I love that so much, Caroline. Maniacal optimism indeed.

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  5. My list is similar - except for number 14 and a little less chocolate.

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    1. It'll happen for you! Perhaps you should consider MORE chocolate!

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  6. Love this so much! I think anyone who has struggled to get an agent (aka all of us) will appreciate this. You have to laugh about the whole process in order to not go insane! :)

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    1. Right? I know your post on your agent journey was so helpful to me. Hope this encourages some others. :-)

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    1. Thanks Jeff! I trust you are well-stocked with chocolate? It really is key.

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  8. Love this post! I was never super into chocolate~ I'm more of a savory/salty snacker, so it's chips and pizza and such for me, not chocolate. Manuscript number 9 was my lucky baby :)

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    1. *Waving spastically at my particularly excellent critique partner.*

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  9. Aw, I love this! Now to re-stock your chocolate supply for going on submission - ha1

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    1. Marissa, that assumes my chocolate supply ever runs low. (It doesn't.) :-)

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  10. That "revising on exclusive and waiting nine months only to be rejected" part is really fun! It's my favorite! Yes I am being ironic!

    Great post, and when I say that I'm NOT being ironic.

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    1. Thanks so much, Mike! It's been a crazy roller coaster.

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  11. Wow, Joy, sounds like very similar steps I've taken through so many exasperating adventures! The chocolate, especially. Thanks for sharing!!!

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  12. The rejected part is what I long for each day.

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  13. I love the part where you have to really not care--it's true that by the time I signed my agent, I think I refrained from flipping the bird at the universe mostly cause doing so was too much bother. Thx for sharing!

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  14. Love this, funny yet inspiring!

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  15. Love this post, Joy! For me, it's chocolate and buckets of sunflower seeds.

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  16. Love this post. I think I'm up to number 9. :)

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  17. Loved this. The reason I self-publish :)

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  18. All I can offer is, while I love chocolate, Pizza's my fix of choice when I'm dealing with stuff I struggle with... (i.e. trying to entice an agent, rewrite something, write a query letter, etc)

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  19. Oh gosh, I loved this. Loved it! I'm very happy to know that I'm successfully completing many of these steps (including the theatre degree!) However, I've probably done more with Dr. Pepper/Mountain Dew than chocolate. Other than that, I'm right on track :)

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  20. This is hilarious and wonderful. And for the record, I ate 5 chocolate bars in one writing retreat weekend alone. Solidarity!

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Thanks for adding to the mayhem!