Revision Notes, by Tracy Edward Wymer

I’m in the middle of a major revision on my middle grade novel. This would explain my short-term memory loss, constant misplacement of car keys, and truncated conversations with friends I normally enjoy talking to. In short, my mind is Elsewhere. 

I've always compared revising a novel to taking a car engine apart, piece by piece, and spreading the pieces over the garage floor, then cleaning and fixing every piece and putting the engine back together again. Presto! Like magic!  

Yeah, right. Revising a novel takes maximum effort, focus, and persistence. And a lot of coffee!

Since I'm going through this process now, I thought I’d share a few revision notes, with examples, that have helped me develop my story, in hopes of it reaching its full potential. Most of these notes, or suggestions, came from my agent, but some of you might have beta readers who would point out similar instances to you. I always find that concrete examples help tremendously (the teacher inside of me speaks!), and I hope that you can take something useful away from them. 

Keep in mind, this story is still a work-in-progress. 

Revision Notes

1. More! - Like my recent shortened conversations with friends (because of the revision), search your manuscript for truncated scenes. I tend to bottle up my main character’s emotions (gee, I wonder who the main character gets that from) and stop short of finishing conversations between characters. This leaves the scene unfinished, with an abrupt ending.   

Scene Synopsis: Eddie, the main character, has been shot with a pellet gun, and has a pellet lodged in his back. He was shot by his nemesis, Mouton, an overgrown bully with Tourette Syndrome. Gabriela, the new girl in town, who is also from Brazil, is helping Eddie.

Original Scene: 

At Gabriela’s house, under the bathroom light, she uses tweezers to pull out the pellet in my back. She places an ice pack over the tiny hole. It’s not a hole that goes all the way through me, just a hole that goes through one layer of skin. 

“You are luck,” Gabriela says. “This could have been worse.”

“You mean lucky.”

Gabriela rolls her eyes. She presses harder on the ice pack.    

“Ouch!” 

“I knew you would be injured during this mission,” she says. “Night air is bad air.” 

“Where did you hear that phrase? Let me guess, The Phantom Tollbooth?” 

She smiles, holding the ice pack on my wound. Let me say that again. The prettiest girl in school is holding an ice pack on MY WOUND.  

I am lucky. 

I have my bike. 

I have my girl. 

Now I can find my Golden Eagle.

In this revised scene, I did not add-on to the end of it, but implemented more dialogue prior to the ending. I liked the ending that I had originally written, so I left it alone. 

Revised Scene:

At Gabriela’s house, under the bathroom light, she uses tweezers to pull out the pellet in my back. She places an ice pack over the tiny hole. It’s not a hole that goes all the way through me, just a hole that goes through one layer of skin. 

“You are luck,” Gabriela says. “This could have been much worse.”

“You mean lucky.”

Gabriela rolls her eyes. She presses harder on the ice pack.    

“Ouch!” 

“I knew you would be injured during this mission,” she says. “Night air is bad air.” 

“Where did you hear that phrase? Let me guess, The Phantom Tollbooth?” 

“That is right. I am learning more unusual English phrases from Milo and his dog than I am learning at school.”

“Have you made it to the part in the book when—”

“Eddie! Do not ruin the story for me!”

She adjusts the ice pack on my wound. 

“You should see Mouton’s room,” I say. “It’s covered in all these paintings that look real. I can’t believe he can paint like that.” 

“I am not surprised.” 

“What? How can you not be surprised?” 

“Everyone has a special talent,” she says. “Mouton cannot control what he says, but he can control what he puts on a canvas.”

“Wow. When you say it like that, it sort of makes sense.” 

“Maybe he can help you with your project.”  

“Yeah, maybe.”

She smiles, holding the ice pack on my wound. Let me say that again. The prettiest girl in school is holding an ice pack on MY WOUND.  

I am lucky. 

I have my bike. 

I have my girl. 

Now I can find my Golden Eagle. 

2. Cut Telling! Show this! (Show, don't Tell) - Middle grade readers need the story to roll quickly, so pacing is always on my mind when writing. Because of this, I have a habit of fast-forwarding through mini-scenes that, if written in full, can reveal a lot of about characters. 

Scene Synopsis: Eddie is walking with Miss Dorothy, an elderly woman, back to her house. Eddie has grown up birdwatching on Miss Dorothy’s land. 

Original: 

I walk with Miss Dorothy from her house, giving her my arm to lean on. She tells me about the times Dad brought me here. She remembers when I said my first word: bird. Dad once told me it was a sound between nerd and turd, so he and Mom guessed it had to be bird.   

Revised:

I walk with Miss Dorothy toward her house, giving her my arm to lean on.

“I used to love seeing you here with your dad,” she says. “He was a good man.”

“Miss Dorothy?” 

“What is it, Eddie?” 

“Was my dad…” 

I hesitate, scared of what she might tell me.  

“Go on, Eddie, spit it out.” 

“Was my dad an honest person?” I finally ask her. 

She stops walking and looks up at six bobwhite quail perched on a telephone wire.

“Put it this way, Eddie. Your father was his own person. He was true to himself. The way I see it, that’s as honest as one can be.”

I nod, letting her know that I get what she’s saying.

She smiles, grabbing onto my arm, and we walk to her house.  

3. Too Vague! Be Specific! - Be wary of vague language and unclear moments in your narrative. Make every word and moment (in this case, memory) specific. This will help with character development, and make your characters feel more dimensional.

Original:

I want to yell something back at Mouton, like Dad did once to a birder who was in his way. 

Revised:

I want to yell something back at Mouton, like Dad did once when he told another birder who wouldn’t get out of his way to “move it or lose ’em,” in reference to the guy’s teeth. But if I say something like that, Mouton will totally sabotage my locker.