Chris Eboch on The Painful Process of Crafting a Query

I've been working on a query (the horror! the horror!) and I decided to track the process for my critique group, since most members there haven't done a lot of queries. They found it helpful so maybe you will as well. Sometimes it's so hard to see how a novel can be condensed. Whether or not this final result is ideal, I hope it shows some of the questions and issues that come up.

Starts Someplace

I wrote this part not as a query, but as an introduction to the samples I was posting at an online site. I used it as my starting point for the query:

Circa 1350 BC: the era of Akhenaten and Nefertiti, and a young King Tut. The great pyramid of Giza is already more than 1000 years old. Akhenaten has declared himself the conduit to Aten, the one God, taking power and money from the priests of Amun-Re.

Fifteen-year-old Meret trained as a temple dancer, a position that requires strength, discipline, and acrobatic ability. She was ejected from the temple when her father switched his allegiance to Aten. Now her father has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die. Determined to fight against the loss of everything she holds dear, Meret seeks help, guided by a mysterious young man from a dream. When she visits the abandoned temple of the Pharaoh Queen Hatshepsut, what she finds will change her view of the world… and her future.

What Does a Query Need

Now I'm working to revise it as a query. First step, jump into the plot instead of spending several sentences on background:

Egypt, 1350 BC. Fifteen-year-old Meret trained as a temple dancer, a position she lost when her father switched his allegiance to Aten. Now her father has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die.

[Wait, “allegiance to Aten” doesn’t make sense without explanation… Better to cut that. Too much background ways down a query.]

Egypt, 1350 BC. Fifteen-year-old Meret has grown up with a combination of wealthy luxury and athletic discipline. Now her father has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die. Determined to fight against the loss of everything she holds dear, Meret follows the advice of a mysterious young man in a dream. He promises she will find help at the abandoned mortuary temple of the Pharaoh Queen Hatshepsut. She finds three girls, outcasts from society, who claim to be The Guardians of Truth. Each brings a special skill. But what can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and the deadly enemy pulling strings from behind the scenes?

[Clichés in that last sentence fragment. Reword. Try to get to the plot faster.]

Egypt, 1350 BC. Fifteen-year-old Meret was an acrobatic temple dancer until her father’s politics got her kicked out. Now her father has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die. To save her family and her future, Meret must …

[Too confusing without understanding the politics. I also need to include magic to show it’s paranormal. Other than the dream, nothing indicates that so far.]

Getting There

Fifteen-year-old Meret is a temple dancer in ancient Egypt. Her life is one of wealth and privilege, until her father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. To save her family and her future, Meret must unravel the plot against him. Guided by a vision, she searches the abandoned mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. The girls living there, outcasts from society, claim to be The Guardians of Truth. Each brings a special skill: Saroy is a warrior, Hattie is a seer, and Neith is a thief. But what can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret enemy who wants to claim Meret as his concubine? Even the magic they gather – a Book of Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a cat with mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father.

The Guardians of Truth is a 34,000-word paranormal novel, suitable for ages 12 and up. It is set in the tumultuous days of ancient Egypt under the Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti, when politics and religion threaten to tear the country apart. This novel stands alone, with the potential for sequels featuring the strong young women who fight to make their world a better place as The Guardians of Truth.

[Okay, this has a lot of the main elements without a huge word count. But it also includes a lot of names which could be confusing. At this point I checked it on Facebook for feedback. Someone suggested bringing the sentence about “what can four girls do” up to the top. Let’s see if it works.]

Crowd Sourcing Feedback

What can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and the secret enemy trying to destroy an innocent man?

Fifteen-year-old Meret is a temple dancer in ancient Egypt. Her life is one of wealth and privilege, until her father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. To save her family and her future, Meret must unravel the plot against him. Guided by a vision, she searches the abandoned mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. The girls living there, outcasts from society, claim to be The Guardians of Truth. Each brings a special skill: Saroy is a warrior, Hattie is a seer, and Neith is a thief. But even the magic they gather – a Book of Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a cat with mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father and protect Meret from the man who wants to make her his concubine.

[Hmm. I'm wondering about that first sentence. When it was later in the main paragraph, I had "and a secret enemy who wants to claim Meret as his concubine" but that's too confusing when you don't yet know who Meret is. What about "and a secret enemy who pretends to be a friend" or "and a secret enemy with his own agenda"? Those seem cliché. It's hard to be specific without the background. How about simply “What can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret enemy?" Is that enough? Or too vague?]

[Author Molly Blaisdell AKA Cece Barlow wrote: I would do this: Fifteen-year-old Meret is a temple dancer in ancient Egypt until her father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. (you show us that she has a life of wealth and privilege by her actions after her father is accused) Meret must unravel the plot against him to save her family and future. (i'd flip the next line. You say Guided by a vision, could you be more specific. A vision of what? A ghost? A view of the future, a talking cat? I'm a little confused how following this vision is going to help her father.]

[Now I'm getting back to how I had arranged it the first time, but at least it's tighter.]

Fifteen-year-old Meret is an elite temple dancer in ancient Egypt until her father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. Meret must unravel the plot against him to save her family and her future. In a vision, a strange man – or possibly a god – claims she will find help at the abandoned mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. There she joins the Guardians of Truth: Saroy the warrior, Hattie the seer, and Neith the thief. But what can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret enemy who wants to claim Meret as his concubine? Even the magic they gather – a Book of Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a cat with mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father and her future.

Feedback from Alex Lidell

I sent the query to my friend Alex Lidell, a young adult fantasy author, who had this to say:

I found myself needed to re-read the first paragraph a few times.  Consider spiting it into two paragraphs and streamlining some of the language?  For example, this is really clear:

<Fifteen-year-old Meret is an elite temple dancer in ancient Egypt until her father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. Meret must unravel the plot against him to save her family and her future.>>

But then things start getting a bit dense.  Do you need all the names in here?  Could this be simplified?

<<in a vision, a strange man – or possibly a god – claims she will find help at the abandoned mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. There she joins the Guardians of Truth: Saroy the warrior, Hattie the seer, and Neith the thief.

re <<But what can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret enemy who wants to claim Meret as his concubine?>>   

This is brand new info - so far Meret's problem is getting dad out of jail. How do the priests figure in?  Did THEY get dad into prison?  Consider streamlining the cause and effect a bit.

Final (Maybe) Version:

[Here's where I am now, trying to answer a few more questions but not include too many details. And of course I need to name the title and genre, and include my bio paragraph.]

Fifteen-year-old Meret, an elite temple dancer in ancient Egypt, simply wants  a secure and useful place in the world. Then her father is accused of treason, imprisoned in the temple of Amun-Re, and sentenced to die. Meret must unravel the plot against him to save her family and regain the life she knows. A vision leads her to the abandoned mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. There she joins three young women calling themselves the Guardians of Truth: a warrior, a seer, and a thief. But what can they do against the priests of Amun-Re, the soldiers guarding her father, and more enemies they do not even suspect? Even the magic they gather – a Book of Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a cat with mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father and her future.

The Guardians of Truth is a 35,000-word paranormal novel for upper middle grade readers. It is set in the tumultuous days of ancient Egypt under the Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti, when politics and religion threaten to tear the country apart.

I am the author of over 40 books for children, including fiction and nonfiction, early reader through teen. My novels for ages nine and up include The Well of Sacrifice (Clarion), a Mayan drama used in many schools, and the Haunted series (Aladdin), three books about kids who travel with a ghost hunter TV show. Learn more at www.chriseboch.com. I also write romantic suspense novels for adults under the name Kris Bock.

Conclusions

I hope you'll have found your own lessons in this. My quick conclusions would be:

1) Queries are hard. (No surprise there.)

2) Feedback can help but it can also contradict other feedback. (AKA you can't please everyone.)

3) Keep trying to improve your query, but it will never be "perfect, so at some point you have to hope that your concept will be enough to grab an editor’s or agent’s attention. You are not selling the novel based on your query anyway – the goal is to get some pages read.

More Help with Queries

Nathan Bransford’s Query Letter Mad Libs (and links to more help)

A great post on writing query letters from Wordy Birdie

Lots of examples with analysis from Query Shark

Chuck Sambuchino at Writer Unboxed offers Query Letter FAQs

Four Key Elements Every Pitch Needs, from Romance University

Elle Strauss on Writing a Selling Query or Pitch in Four Easy Steps

Chris Eboch is the author of over 40 books for children, including nonfiction and fiction, early reader through teen. Chris Eboch’s novels for ages nine and up include The Well of Sacrifice, a Mayan adventure; The Genie’s Gift, a middle eastern fantasy; and the Haunted series, about kids who travel with a ghost hunter TV show, which starts with The Ghost on the Stairs. Her writing craft books include You Can Write for Children: How to Write Great Stories, Articles, and Books for Kids and Teenagers, and Advanced Plotting.

Learn more at www.chriseboch.com or her Amazon page, or check out her writing tips at her Write Like a Pro! blog.

What Rejections Can Tell You - by Chris Eboch

Getting rejections may be the hardest part of a writer’s job, but understanding what they tell you could save your career. By studying the pattern of rejections you receive, you may identify problems – the first step toward improving.

Many writers send out submissions to 5-10 agents or editors at a time. Sending small batches means you don’t waste years sending out submissions one at a time, but you also don’t wipe out your entire list of possible targets at once. Save some targets for a second, third, or fourth round of submissions, so you can fix any problems you identify from your earlier rejection letters.

Since editors and agents rarely have the time to explain why they don’t want your manuscript, many of the rejections will be form letters. If an editor or agent’s policy is to only respond if interested, then no response also counts as a form rejection.

After your first 5 to 10 rejections, see what they can tell you by reading between the lines.

Query Fail

If you send a query letter and get only form rejections, you may have a problem with your concept or the way you’re presenting it.

Maybe your idea doesn’t appeal because the market niche is too small. Make sure you’re targeting appropriate publishers, maybe those with a specific genre or regional focus. Or try to broaden your audience appeal, such as adding a mystery or romance element to the less popular historical fiction genre.

Maybe the idea feels too familiar. If you’re following a trend like dystopian fiction or covering a common topic like the first day of school, you’ll need a really fresh take on the subject to stand out from other imitators.

If your manuscript isn’t currently marketable, you may need to make major revisions. If you can’t fix your idea, the best thing you can do is start a new project.

On the other hand, if you’ve done extensive market research and you’re confident that your idea is marketable, maybe you’re not expressing it well. Are you starting your query by clearly sharing a catchy “hook”? Are you focused on the main plot and character arc, or are you getting bogged down in unnecessary details about secondary characters and subplots? If your idea is trendy, does your query show what makes your interpretation different?

One final possibility is that you didn’t target appropriate editors or agents. If you suspect that’s the case, do more research.

Query letters are challenging, but many resources offer help. You can also ask friends who have not read the manuscript to read the query and tell you what they think the story is about. See if they get a good feel for what you’re trying to convey.

Good Idea, Poor Execution

If you have a strong idea and a well-written query letter, you may get a request for a partial manuscript. That’s a great sign that your topic is marketable. But if an agent or editor reads a few chapters and then passes, you may have a problem with your writing. That means more work on the writing craft. Is your opening too slow, with lots of back story and info dumps? Are you struggling with point of view, showing rather than telling, or pacing? Are you sure the writing is as good as you think it is?

Many books and websites offer writing craft lessons. A good critique group can also help, but less experienced writers may have trouble identifying problems, and even published writers are not always good teachers. Consider getting professional feedback, perhaps by taking classes, signing up for conference critiques, or hiring a freelance editor. (See my critique rates and recommendations here.)

If the agent or editor you queried likes your sample chapters enough to request the whole manuscript, that suggests your “voice” is working for them. If they like your idea and writing style but don’t make an offer after seeing the entire manuscript, most likely you either have plot problems or the manuscript isn’t quite strong enough to sell well in a competitive market. At that point, you’re more likely to get specific feedback if they decide to pass on the manuscript.

Rejections are always painful, but think of them as chance to learn. You’ll lessen the sting, and maybe help yourself reach acceptance next time.

Help with Query Letters

Author and former agent Nathan Bransford has many excellent posts on query letters.

AgentQuery.com has advice on writing query letters, with examples of hooks.

QueryTracker.net allows you to organize and track your query letters, and also to see reports of agent responses, for comparison.

Query Shark shares hundreds of real queries critiqued by an agent.

Slush Pile Tales also critiques real queries.

Books on Querying:

The Writer’s Digest Guide To Query Letters, by Wendy Burt-Thomas (Writer’s Digest Books, 2009)

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Book Proposals & Query Letters by Marilyn Allen and Coleen O’Shea (ALPHA, 2011)

The Renegade Writer’s Query Letters That Rock: The Freelance Writer’s Guide to Selling More Work Faster, by Diana Burrell and Linda Formichelli (Marion Street Press, LLC, 2006)

Do you have favorite resources for writing query letters? Have you ever revised a query and got more favorable responses? Do you find query writing even harder than writing the manuscript?

Chris Eboch’s novels for ages nine and up include The Genie’s Gift, a middle eastern fantasy, The Eyes of Pharaoh, a mystery in ancient Egypt; The Well of Sacrifice, a Mayan adventure; and the Haunted series, which starts with The Ghost on the Stairs. In The Ghost Miner’s Treasure, a brother and sister help a ghostly miner find his long-lost mine. 

Chris's book Advanced Plotting helps writers fine-tune their plots. Learn about her editorial and critiquing services, and find advice for writers, on her website

TRADING PLACES: NOTES FROM THE PITCHWARS SLUSH

When my first play was produced, I had the chance to sit on the other side of the audition table. This was a total Freaky Friday moment for me after many years as an actor. It was incredibly eye opening to see how often actors were rejected for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with their degree of talent.

I recently had another Freaky Friday experience as one of the middle grade mentors for Brenda Drake’s online contest PitchWars. In PitchWars, prospective participants submit queries and five pages to the mentors of their choice. As mentors, we had a few days to sort through our applicants and pick one—ONE!—and two alternates. We gave our mentees feedback on their full manuscripts, helped them craft their pitches, and later in January, the selected pitches and first pages will go up for an agent-judged contest.

As I sorted through the 65 middle grade applicants who had applied to have me as a mentor, I was suddenly on the other side of the audition table again. After years of my own querying journey, I had a condensed glimpse into the life of a literary agent—and I realized how it’s not always about being good enough or not.

A few observations that I hope might help querying writers:

·      I turned down a TON of great material. And I turned it down easily. The quality of my submissions was extremely high—there were only one or two who clearly had no idea what they were doing. Most were really solid. But once I’d read a couple that I absolutely adored, it became incredibly easy to pass on anything that didn’t surpass those. I feel like I better understand now how agents have to absolutely fall in love with something to take it on.

·      I read a lot of not-awesome queries followed by fantastic pages. There are a lot of resources out there for query critique, but I don’t think they’re being as well utilized as they could be. This is what I said over and over in my feedback to writers I didn’t select: Queries should sound like back jacket copy, not like a list of events that happen. Try to keep the whole thing around 250 words. Try to answer these questions: 1) What does your main character want/need? 2) What’s standing in their way? 3) What will they have to do to overcome it? (This format doesn't work for all manuscripts, but it worked for probably 95% of what I saw.)

·      I read many submissions with completely solid writing and very good voice, but the premise just didn’t feel fresh. Portal fantasies, dying races of magical creatures, feisty princesses, coming to terms with the death of a parent. You might have written a fantastic manuscript around one of these things—I’ve written about one of them myself—but you have to make sure that whatever sets your story apart really shines through in the query and first pages.

·      Following agent guidelines is important. SO important. I don’t want to undermine this. If an agent says “no horror” then by all means, don’t query them with horror. But if they don’t mention horror at all, and you think they might be a good fit? No harm in trying. My top pick was, not surprisingly from my wish list, a literary verse novel. But my two alternate picks were things I absolutely never would have predicted I would choose—super creepy & superheroes (not together). But great storytelling + terrific voice trumps all and those two pulled me in, despite having subject matter I wouldn't usually gravitate toward.

Have you ever had a Freaky Friday publishing moment? Have you gotten a valuable glimpse into a different position—an agent, an editor, a reviewer? Did you learn anything? How did it enrich your journey as a writer?

Writing Advice by Marissa Burt

I often get queries from aspiring writers who ask me for tips on how-to-get-published, and I find my responses now falling into a familiar set of recommendations.  On the off chance that these tips might be worth more than the proverbial two-cents, I post them here.  I’ll also leave the comments open for tips or road-to-publication questions.  Join the conversation!

On Writing

Read.  Read.  Read.  As much as you can and as widely as you can.

Write.  Write.  Write.  If you are stuck on a story, write a scene or a character sketch.  Journal.  Not only is it good practice, but you have a nice little keepsake at the end of it.

Revise.  Revise.  Revise.  Don’t be afraid to make dramatic changes.  Edit boldly.  Cut scenes.  Kill off characters.  If one or two crit partners offer you similar feedback, listen.  Don’t respond immediately to critiques and try not to argue with readers.  Most are on your side.  If they had a particular response to a scene, consider what they’re saying.  Sit with reader input for a few days, then revisit their advice and see what you want to implement.

Stop revising.  You can make changes forever, and at some point, you’ll need to send your manuscript off to face its fate.  Polish as well as you can, and then get ready to submit.

On Querying

 

Do your research.  There are so many fabulous resources available to help make the querying process less intimidating.  You’ll easily be able to find some of your own favorite blogs, forums, and books to help you figure out how to format a query letter and find reputable agents.  My favorites are:

The Absolute Write Forums.  There is a wealth of information here and the added bonus of writerly companionship in what can often be a lonely journey.  You’ll find space here to indulge in a bit of submissions-angst but you’ll also find practical tips for every stage of the writing process.  One of my personal favorites is Query Letter Hell, where you can post a draft of your query and receive expert advice.  This lovely people were a huge help to me when I was querying.  And after you receive some input, pay it forward!  Drop by and offer your tips for other writers and share the love.

Nathan Bransford’s Blog.  I discovered this gem back when Bransford was still agenting and blogging regularly, but I think all the posts are archived and easily searchable. 

2013 Writer’s Market.  You can easily find this at your public library or local bookstore.  For those of us who are often overwhelmed by the searchability of the internet, this provides a finite way to search for agents, understand what they’re looking for, and find further contact info.  I recommend starting with the book and then following up with an agent’s website as sometimes submissions requirements change between printings.

Once you’ve done your research and crafted your perfect query letter, you’re off and running.  You’ve probably heard the sound advice of sending out your queries in batches.  This is a good idea, because if you send out your first round of ten queries, and get ten form rejections fired back at you, you have the opportunity to tweak your query and get input from crit partners on what might not be working with your story idea. 

As far as finding agents that represent MG, I’ve found that many who represent “juvenile fiction” or “young adult” also represent middle-grade.  It’s often lumped in there somewhere, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t find MG specified on agent listings.

A word of advice: we all know this industry takes a bit of a thick skin.  The first rejection still stings.  It does get easier.

On the Call

  

Do more research.  This will help you from obsessively checking your e-mail while out on submission.  Read up about what the agent’s role is in publishing and determine what kind of professional relationship matches your personality.  I know some writers who loathe phone calls.  Others who have regular friendly chats with their agents.  I found that the Idiot's Guides were helpful for understanding the agent role.

If an agent does call to talk about representation, have a list of questions about things that are important to you.  Of course you’ll have done your research on scammy agents on the outset, so only reputable agents will be contacting you. 

I would suggest considering:

1.     How enthusiastic is the agent about your project?  How many clients do they represent?

2.     How do they handle communication?  When can you expect to hear back from them if you e-mail a question?  How available are they by phone?  Something I have profoundly appreciated about my own agent, is I can count on a speedy reply to every e-mail.  Figure out what elements of communication are important to you and make sure you find out if the agent is a good match.

3.     Do they have a “handshake agreement” or a written contract?  I’ve heard mixed opinions on this.  Study the ins and outs of both and find out how your potential agent operates.

You’ll find other elements that you may want to consider, but I think understanding an agent’s communication style and figuring out how that matches with your own expectations is central to a positive professional working relationship.

On Submission

Congratulations!  You’re agented and you’re on your way.  Over the first hurdle, that is.  The submissions process can be quite the rollercoaster.  In some happy success stories, authors land an agent and then a deal almost immediately.  For debut authors, it seems to typically be a longer road.

Most agents have some editorial input, so plan to make revisions before your book even goes out on submission.  This will be good practice for your eventual editorial letter.  Remember, that your agent is your friend.  They want to sell your book.  They have experience in the industry.  Listen to their professional editorial advice.  

Unplug.  Go offline.  Start another writing project.  Get caught up on your reading.  While your book is on submission, you’ll go nuts with the waiting.  Twitter-stalking potential editors will only leave you half-crazed.  Was that snarky comment about your lame manuscript?  Or maybe the rave was because she read your masterpiece?  Opt out of this.  It will also be good practice for future book reviews.  At this point, there’s not a lot you can do except wait, check in with your agent, and wait some more.  This is yet another reason why it’s important to determine communication styles early on and make sure you find an agent that’s a good fit.

Be positive and try and cultivate humility.  In my case, my now-editor asked if I’d be willing to do an exclusive revision for her.  We went through two significant revisions over a period of about six months before she took my book to acquisitions.  I loved her for her willingness to invest in my book and me as an author.  I learned so much through the process and owe much of the final book’s form to my editor and agent’s astute input.  An exclusive revision was not at all what I imagined.  I imagined the “Of course we want it!  I couldn’t put this book down while I was reading it!  I stayed up all night to finish it and we must buy it now.  At auction.  For lots of money” reply. 

This is a touchy subject, because our creative work is always dear to our heart.  We obviously think it’s in great form before we send it out to agents and editors, so hearing that it’s less-than-perfect, in fact that there’s much room for improvement can sting.  Remember that your well of creativity won’t run dry.  You won’t miss out on an opportunity by being willing to listen to someone else’s feedback.  But you can pretty much guarantee stagnation if you’re only listening to your own creative voice.  Be willing to learn from others.  Seize every opportunity.  Even if a revise-and-resubmit request doesn’t pan out, you’ll have benefited from valuable insider professional input on your work.  Celebrate that!

On Writing (Part 2)

Enjoy the process.  Enjoy writing.  Enjoy your story.  The road to publication can rob you of some of the joy.  Hold on to joy. 

What about you, dear readers?  What questions do you have about the road to publication?  What tips would you like to share with others?  Where do you find your favorite resources for writing good queries or researching agents?